A Judgmental Letter To Isabel Lucas

Dear Issy,

I hope you are keeping well over there in Hollywood and not busying yourself too much with all those movies and commercials I've seen you in lately... 

None of your movies spring to mind that readily, to be honest, but I do have a shocking memory! I really (only remember) enjoyed that faintly disturbing commercial you did a while back about an Australian winery/resort, that meat looked rather tasty and I bet that cleansing/symbolic rebirthing bath was very refreshing and also must've left you quite refreshed!

(Note the difference between an event feeling refreshing and leaving you refreshed afterward i.e. a can of coke is refreshing but does not leave you refreshed. Learned that the hard way)

On the subject of bathing, I'm curious to know as to when it is that you will be taking one? I appreciate your style and the kind of look you're trying to achieve and in some communes in the middle of the country I'm sure there are many more who look quite similar. However, those hairy-armpitted greasy haired aging children of love most likely do not have access to running water let alone razors, shampoo and a revitalizing intensive hair treatment.

We Still Know That You Haven't Washed Your Hair All Summer

I understand that taking a shower/sitting in a warming massage chair at the hairdressers while you pay someone else to wash your hair can be tiresome but it's a price we have to pay to have clean hair - and by the looks of your do, I think we can safely assume your pockets are very small indeed.

Issy's Ideal Wash - What's Wrong With This Picture?

I strongly suggest you use that hefty cheque you received from that fantastic(?) commercial and bank roll a personal hygiene campaign, I've already started making plans and have thought of a catchy cause-name:

"Irrigate Issy"

I feel like you could ask some of your fancy famous friends to donate a few couple mil to the cause, if they are cold towards the idea of paying to hose you down and throw lice powder at you then we could put a different spin on it and convince them that they misunderstood the reference and its actually a charity to bring sprinkler systems to Istanbul. Tell them it's very dry there as it's in the middle of a desert and the water table is so low they are unable to tap into it. But Issy, under no circumstances are you to show them a map of Turkey.  

Anyway, keep up the good work of hanging off the arms of men who are 10000x more successful than you,

Love always

J.Fox

VULPES: a Judgee

I had a hard time getting on board with Captain Judgement’s skilful ripping of Tituba to shreds. It’s not because judging people on their clothing is shallow, superficial and unbecoming of a cultured fox. Because it’s not. It’s mostly because it’s hard for me to do and not feel like a Beyonce-ass sized hypocrite.

Irony: different from hypocrisy

For work I have to speak in front of my class court room, leaving me wide open to a lot of little judgey eyes. On this particular day, I was wearing jeans that let’s be honest, are a little bit tight on the rear.

Just so you know, I didn’t buy them small on purpose; I got them off the net and some misogynistic troll in Germany told me to order them two sizes down as apparently this brand of jean is made that way. In fact they’re exactly two sizes too small for me. Danke, wanker.

Anyway, on this particular morning I was late, there was nothing to wear, I put them on and left. Actually they look good and are quite slimming when pulled up properly (it’s very difficult and requires lying down and various leg-to-the-side movements).

At first everything’s fine since I’m sitting down. But come writing on the chalkboard time, I have a dilemma: the jeans have come down a bit, my crack isn’t showing, but they are definitely not at optimal hip height. The thing about jeans is that if worn at the correct height they can be as tight as you want but if not it's just poorly executed style (PES). Not quite Susannah trying on Trinny’s pants bad, more like that slightly too tight shorts boy from first year uni. (Nice guy, just slightly too tight!)They cut off your legs a bit, restricting your movement ... The whole thing’s really NAGL¹.

JUDGEE PROBLEM 1: Do I pull my jeans up so that they look better, or do I leave them as they are so as not to draw attention?

The following table illustrates the situation perfectly. You can see my ‘pay-off’ or shall we say ‘self esteem gain/loss’ depends on the type of people in the classroom and my own action.

	People in classroom
	Judging bitches	Non-judgemental
Pull up jean	-100	100
Don’t pull up jean	-50	0

Strategy 1: Don’t pull up jeans

If I don’t pull up my jeans and the classroom is full of nice, understanding girls who have no self-esteem issues and oblivious boys, nothing happens. I don’t look great, but they don’t care. My pay-off is zero.

If on the other hand, I'm teaching a classroom full of Captain Judas’s, I'm in trouble because apart from the aforementioned issues, the pants are sitting too low making the back pockets crease so it looks like I have a massive VUL². Which I don’t fyi, foxes don’t even wear underwear. Now not only do I look like shit, I’m misunderstood as someone who wears Spanx that aren’t even working. Self-esteem drop: -50.

Example: VULPES

Strategy 2: Do pull up jeans

This option results in the jeans looking better, but it’s complicated by the fact that the action of pulling your pants up when everyone is watching you is SABL³. Not only do you look uncultured and generally bogan, you’re also drawing attention to the problem at hand, thus revealing your insecurity.

If the class is miraculously filled with slightly too tight shorts boy type characters, then they’re not going to care about matters surrounding public decorum. I can pull up with no fear. Jeans look good. 100 self esteem points!

Of course it’s obvious what will happen if they are little judgers, they will hone in on the fact that my pants are slightly too tight, that I know about it and am uncomfortable about it, they will feel superior to me in every single way. Self esteem -100. I will require many packets of sesame snaps to get over this.

So, what’s a fox to do?

I’m not going to bore you with economics, but suffice to say if you actually applied game theory to the situation, (which I definitely did not do) there is no best option for me. Winning isn’t worth the chance of getting screwed but doing nothing doesn’t get me anywhere either.

So in the time honoured method of cornered foxes and teen girls on Maury, I went with option 3: ‘pretend not to give a fuck’. Tell myself I am above matters of the flesh, my mind is too brilliant to be concerned with such trivial issues. ‘She has a certain je ne sais quoi about her’, people will remark when unable to find the words to describe my casual, yet cool demeanour.

I’ll leave it up to you to decide how well that went and how many fucks I actually gave about my pants situation (the length of this post is in no way indicative of my caring). Anyway, the point is that at heart I will always be more Tituba and Slightly too tight shorts boy than Trinny or Susannah.

1. Not a good look
2. Visible underwear line (goes hand in hand with (1))
3. Such a bad look (common adjective for (2), often said in scornful agreement to someone pointing out (1))

Judging The Judger

Judgey Fox has been throwing around a few ideas of late and putting some of them into fun-filled practice, primarily the age old question:

Can Women have sex like Men?

This question is riddled with generalizations such as; all women want relationships, all men are self-gratifying bastards, every person a woman has sex with must enter into a binding contract of monogamy etc etc.

In 1998, Sex And The City exploded all over our tellys with too-real stories of horrid tasting jizz and touchas-lingus. It was the first show of it's kind to blow open the dusty, cobwebbed book on casual sex. Since this revolutionary show first aired, women all over the world have been slowly but surely realising that having casual sex, which men have been doing for centuries, does not brand you a slut or a harlot but instead empowers and liberates you as a woman. 

Casual Carrie

I've heard of scientific studies which show that when women have sex, they produce a hormone which induces them feel an emotional tie to their sexual partner. But as the saying goes, not one person is the same. I also find it quite co-incidental that not only have women been taught that it's wrong and dirty for them to have multiple sexual partners, but that they're also born in such a way where they're not able to emotionally handle casual sex. Coincidence or conspiracy?

A few of my friends have started having casual sex, not that they go out every weekend and pick up total strangers and have one night stands (obviously not that there's anything wrong with that), it tends to be more of a reoccurance of the same partners but purely for sex. There's no; Let's go to the movies tomorrow night or, what do you want for dinner babe? It's just a physical desire for the same person - no emotions involved. I joke about them being whores which in itself is ironic as I also partake in the odd late night casual tryst, but it's exactly that, a joke. On the whole these girls are happier then the ones in long-term commitments - go figure.

Familiar anyone?

I commend these girls who do exactly what they want and who they want. They're unafraid and proud of their sexuality - just as god and Carrie Bradshaw intended.

***All puns intended