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| How you should feel after a successful judgement |
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| How your victim should feel |
I googled Judgmental today. What I found shocked and appalled me, there was an infinite amount of self-help webpages dedicated to eradicating judgment and how to stop being so critical. They promised inner happiness, enlightenment and long-term harmony between oneself and one's surroundings..... awful.
There wasn't one single page on how to be judgmental. No step-by-step guides on how to form the perfect criticism, make a delicious self-serving snide remark or to state the inexorably unflattering truth.
So I took it upon myself to create an easy to use and easy to implement plan for all you budding judges out there;
1. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
- How are you supposed to make a judgment with pin-point precision if you're daydreaming about McSteamy in those steam-pack Lean Cuisine ads? Clever ad though.....annoyingly clever.
2. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
- Successful judging is all about turning your witty intellect into words as soon and as forceful as possible. Mulling things over in your mind often forces you to reconsider your remarks - fundamentally detrimental to the judging process.
3. FOXY SAY NO TO EMPATHY
- Absolutely under no circumstances can you allow yourself to start feeling even a teeny tiny bit sympathetic or understanding towards your judgee. They are that way because they choose to be, they can 100% help it and are just too gosh darn lazy or oblivious to do anything about it*.
4.HISTORICAL CONTEXT
- Make sure your judgment is relative and don't use far fetched analogies that people with 1-step logic brains won't be able to understand.
- i.e If you are in the older stages of life and are passing judgement to a whippersnapper then the following linked topics should be avoided;
- Dentures
- I Love Lucy
- Hip Breaks
- Ration Cards
- Un-heated curlers
5. BODY LANGUAGE FOLLOW THROUGH
- Commenting without the necessary facial contortions and head dip usually results in people thinking that your joking. A silly assumption to make, but they assume it none the less.
Follow this 5 simple tips to a perfect judgment. We also are liking pink today. Judge me!
x F
*Foxy understands some people are born Lady Gaga (Born this way) with certain ailments that cannot be helped, we do not judge those who don't deserve to be judged.
my favourite so far. step 5 is so easy when you have a naturally judemental face :[ . No1 fan
ReplyDeleteI'm being judgemental right now as a result of your grammatical error with your/you're. Peace. (But seriously, good work)
ReplyDeletePikachu more judgement the merrier
ReplyDeleteL
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to the perfect judgment - practice makes perfect. Next time you're at home and you run out of things to do (animals have been mercilessly terrorized and wine exhausted) grab an empty martini glass (obviously empty after your thirst quenched with gin and vermouth) saunter over to the full length mirror, sexy swagger in tow, plonk your glass down on the imaginary bench, click your perfectly manicured fingers (as I previously mentioned, all household chores had been done). Look her dead in the eye, which will actually be your eye as you're staring into a mirror, don't let the hatred staring back at you throw you off, point into the glass as if by some divine act of god booze should miraculously sprout out of the tip of your finger and when it doesn't, raise your eyebrows at this 'girl', widen your eyes and purse your lips.
When said drink has been delivered - make sure not to tip and short change the bitch.
Happy Judging
JF